See. Here I think there is a failure in communication as to what treating a child like an adult means.

It does not mean showering goodies and gifts on a child. Does one shower gifts and goodies on adults?

It doesn't mean let the child have his way all the time either. Do we let adults around us walk over us?

No, treating a child as an adult means respecting the adult that will be in the child. It means using discussion and reason over emotion and punishment whenever possible.

You see, what I've noticed is that kids bring out childlike responses in adults. If an adult disagreed with us, we wouldn't race to take out the belt or be so eager to use the threat of violence to get our way. That would be a good way to get shot, beaten up or into fisticuffs.

While spanking kids may get them to respect your wishes out of fear, it is SO much better if you can get them to do so by reason.

Here's an example:

Your child is 2. They are asserting themselves and you are walking in the city. She is walking ahead and you see she is wanting to cross the street and isn't paying attention to the traffic.

Response one: Shout their name, run over and spank the child "Don't ever do that again!"

Response two: Shout, run over, hold the child in your arms with concern in your voice, "Don't ever do that! You could be hit by cars crossing the street and killed. Always wait for an adult before crossing the street."

The violence and threat of violence is unnecessary in my experience. The real power is in explaining the outcome - death - and that has enough shock value and gives them the REAL picture. The fear of a spank is not enough.

When two children get to that intersection WITHOUT any parents present the one that only fears a SPANK may run into the street to fetch a ball. The one that fears DEATH will go get an adult to retrieve it for them.

Reason wins out. Also, children raised with discussion and whom are used to parents with a calm demeanor are JUST as impressed by the sudden appearance of emotion and concern as is the child who immune to parental screaming only grows concerned once it elevates to a spanking.

I used to live next to the screaming family. Screaming every day. Every command to their children was an angry scream. Father screamed. Mother screamed...and by the time the kids were 10 or 11 - they started screaming at eachother just as loud as the adults. Screaming became so normal that they didn't even realize that was the way they all communicated with eachother.

Not surprisingly the kids grew up to communicate the way they had been taught. Kids do that.

Kids are six when they go to school. By then they usually have not learned violence from friends but from family. However, if they hail from a family where communication reigns supreme they go to school and are non-plussed by the other kids, who are imitating their parents and siblings, hitting and screaming on the playground.

Yes, this child is a child but has already learned a better form of communication. They realize hitting, shouting and screaming are inferior forms of dealing with their classmates and will be very well behaved.

The myth that a child who is not spanked becomes a holy terror is just that - a myth. The holy terror is in some way abused. If not by spanking - by its stablemate screaming or often the worst crime of all - being totally ignored.

Spanks are the way one trains animals. Because they don't have the reason to understand. Spanks induce fear.

Fear is not the goal of parentage, its reason. And while at times it seems all too much and too hectic to take the time out to reason, fear is faster and more convenient reason is still far superior.

Yes, it takes a saint-like determination and patience to take the time to raise children this way and at times as the kids go through certain stages, children often test their boundaries - its still possible to do so without having to resort to violence. Kids who are used to being paid enough attention, notice disapproval the way adults do - when they are ignored.

Ignored kids can react by behaving better or more poorly. If they have been raised by violence, they know by behaving poorly they can count on this sort of negative attention. If they have been raised by reason, behaving poorly will not give them the attention or love they desire and they will likely do something good, clean up their room, volunteer to assist in some chore or in some way to reinforce positive attention.

The young child will eventually be exposed to other forms of communication. But one has to try to override by this time with reason.

;-)